Seven Conversation Starters (how to generate a discussion)
It is sometimes difficult to break the ice when discussing tough topics like porn. The point of this section is to help parents start an initial conversation with their kids about pornography. It is important to keep the lines of communication open. The goal is to talk often to your kids about the issues that shape their future and the goal of the conversation starters are to help you transition from a normal dinner chat to an in-depth conversation about pornography.
In essence, this whole Website is dedicated to helping parent’s foster relationships with their kids, relationships with clean motives, trust, and open communication. Anything goes inside the boundaries of this relationship. In saying this, I mean, no subject is off limits, anyone can come to the table with a question or concern and be heard, valued, and addressed. With that said, it is possible to spit out all kinds of ways to start a conversation about porn, but if the parent is inept at talking with their child in any form the information would be useless. For the sake of the underlying goal. We want the communication process to continue throughout the child’s life and learning good communication habits will feed the overall big picture.
As we all know, one sided communication in not very effective. Yet many parent/child conversations are the parent talking (or lecturing) while the child listens (or endures). This section will primarily concentrate on how to “get your teen talking with you,” rather than on “how to talk to your teen.” The objective is to generate an open and lengthy discussion. Kids need help developing their reasoning and communications skills. If you are going to have meaningful conversations about sexuality, pornography, and other “hot” social issues, the method is just as important as the material up for discussion.
When starting a conversation with a child or teen brief questions are a good place to start. When discussions begin it is valuable to authentically seek your child’s input by encouraging healthy discussions, even debates. Do not give your opinion too quickly. Even more important do not immediately answer the questions your kids raise. Instead, let them wrestle with some issues. The goal is to get them to talk to you as well as help them to develop analytical skills by teaching them to think logically.
How to generate a discussion:
1. Do ask why questions. For example: “Why do you think that,” or “Why do you want to go to the party?” Why questions lead teens to reason through and articulate their responses.
Why do you think pornography is everywhere?
Why do kids at your school look at pornography?
Why do you think there are so many pop-ups on your computer?
Why do the kids bring that stuff to school?
Why do you want to have a MySpace?
Why do other kids want a MySpace?
2. Do ask about feelings. Questions about feelings encourage kids to share on a more personal level. This promotes intimacy and depth in a parent-child relationship. When feelings are shared, more truth is built. Kids want to share themselves with you. They have relied on you their whole lives and the only reason they pull away is they do not feel for whatever reason that you care, will approve, and will understand. It is your job to continually remind them with your actions you do care, even though you will not always approve, you still love them and will listen and not judge them, and lastly, you will always try to understand.
How do you feel about not having a computer in your room?
Can you give me an example of that?
Why do you feel this is best?
3. Do ask direct questions. This approach avoids the extremes of interrogation on the one hand or beating around the bush on the other. Without sensitivity direct questions can be catastrophic. When asked sincerely, kids know you are human. Kids need to see you are not afraid of the going slang. Kids are hearing all kinds of things on a daily basis through media and at school. You want them to hear it from you! The best approach is to show them you are okay with talking about anything (nothing is off limits). They can say or bring anything to the table, even if it is uncomfortable or embarrassing.
Do you know what a condom is?
Do you know what porn is?
Has anything popped up on the computer while you were using it?
Do you have a MySpace?
Do you know what a lesbian is?
Are you telling me the truth?
Do you know what oral sex is? (This question is for “older kids.” Although if your kids are in 7th grade they are already hearing it.)
Quick truth
Get ready because if this is done correctly they will bring things to the table and you won’t believe what they are! What you don’t think they know… they do!
4. Don’t just ask facts. Getting facts is great, but the objective is to engage your child’s mind and heart. Do not just ask yes or no questions. Questions that start with, “Do you think?” Or, “Is that?” Usually solicit a one word opinion instead of generating a discussion.
Instead of saying, “Do you think school was good today?” Say, “Did you have fun today? What was your favorite part?”
Instead of saying, “Is that what you ate for lunch today?” Say, “How did you like your lunch today?” or, “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” or, “What did you talk about during lunch?”
Instead of saying, “Do you think MySpace is dangerous?” Say, “How does MySpace work?”
Instead of saying, “Do you go in chat rooms?” Say, “Who is in the chat rooms? Your friends?”
Quick truth
The key is to listen so you can ask more questions about them, their day, and their feelings.
5. Don’t assume. This is a basic communication stumbling block that most parents trip on often. Assumptions shut down communication. “I know what you are thinking, but why did you do such a thing?” By telling our kids that we know what they are thinking, this tells them we have already formed an opinion, so why should they explain?. Do not focus on knowing everything.
“I know you are growing up and it is natural to want to look at girls. I know what you are going through,”or, “I was your age once,” or, “I know you are curious, but you should know better!” Instead say, “What are you going through? Is it difficult being the only 7th grader without a girlfriend? Do other kids tease you? How does that make you feel? I am sorry you are feeling that way.”
Quick truth
When kids make mistakes don’t assume you know why they made them. More often than not you will be wrong.
6. Don’t interrogate. Kids will shut down as quickly as closing the refrigerator door, if you begin to interrogate them. “Where were you?! Who was with you? Who do you think you are?” Kids know you are their parents, you do not have to be on a constant power trip to prove it. They will shut you down, usually do what you say, but not respect, trust, or invite you into their lives. When kids are trying to explain something whether it be a mistake or just a feeling, it is imperative to nurture them and encourage them to share.
“I am not sure what you mean by ___________,tell me more.”
“I hear you saying, __________. Am I close to what you are telling me or completely off base?”
“What do you mean when you say, __________? Define that for me.”
Quick truth
Getting all the answers is not the objective. Getting your child to talk to you, now that’s the objective. Together you can solve anything.
7. Don’t slam the door on the conversation.
Conversation Busters:
“As long as you’re living under my roof, you will do exactly as I say. End of discussion.”
“Do you actually think you are leaving the house wearing that?”
“If only you acted more like your sister.”
“It is not that I do not trust you it is that I do not trust your choice in friends.”
“Someday, when you’re older, you will understand.”
“I do not like your attitude. Do you want to be grounded for life?”
“Would you jump off a bridge if your friends did?”
“In my day…Shut your mouth!”
“Do you understand me?”
“I am so sick and tired…”
“Wipe that look off your face!”
“Do I look like I am made of money?”
As kids begin to grow up they also begin to seek to become their own persons. Realistically, teenagers are in a relational tug-of war with their parents. Kids are only seeking their own identity. As parents we must allow them to gradually grow up. Talking with our kids and keeping the lines of communication open will help them steer their way through dangerous waters.
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