Intimacy vs. Porn: Taking the Intimacy Path

Over the years of working in and around aspects of sexuality one dominant question has arisen time and time again: “How do I keep my kids from the dangers of sexuality, especially porn?” Within this questions lies concern, hope and fear which is understandable coming from parents raising kids in an addiction prone culture. Of all the answers I have given to concerned parents over the years, one of them stands out. But it is not a simple step-by-step fix. The answer is intimacy. The dangers that kids face in our culrure today have moved past the level of experimentation and simple curiosity. A child that begins to indulge in pornography is facing more than the dangers of a physiological habit or addiction. They are more in danger of losing their heart for true intimacy. In working with men and women who have fallen into the snare of pornography and its consequences, I have found that their problem is not porn. Porn has been a vehicle or escape pod for a greater condition. They don’t have a porn problem, they have an intimacy problem. Within every heart is a legitimate need for intimacy. But, what is intimacy? Is it sex? Is it pleasure? Is it love? Eugene Peterson summed up intimacy in our culture this way:

“All these words get so screwed up in our society. If intimacy means being open and honest and authentic, so I don't have veils, or I don't have to be defensive or in denial of who I am, that's wonderful. But in our culture, intimacy usually has sexual connotations, with some kind of completion. So I want intimacy because I want more out of life. Very seldom does it have the sense of sacrifice or giving or being vulnerable. Those are two different ways of being intimate. And in our American vocabulary intimacy usually has to do with getting something from the other. That just screws the whole thing up."

Young people walk right into the mentality that Peterson describes. The combination of a code of silence around talking about sex and very little education of what intimacy truly means leaves many young people in the dark about the needs of their heart. Add to this the availability of pornography and other outlets of sexual escape and we have the development of a mindset as sex as a need and a completion. It’s a set-up. Often our fears may keep us from approaching this issue in their lives … leaving things unsaid. Young people grow into adults who know very little about the heart of vulnerability and sacrifice as means for connection. There’s a need for a new language, a new path with our children and young people. Beginning to talk about the things often left unsaid is one of the greatest preventions of porn use and increasing a child’s ability to know true intimacy. True intimacy involves a child or teen learning about and expressing their needs, the needs of their heart. These needs include affection, attention, to be heard, to know they belong, to have freedom to succeed and to make mistakes, to know their emotions and feel they can express them and for spiritual direction. See, porn has benefits. Porn offers a pathway to the meeting of these needs without having to understand the give and take, ups and downs of true intimacy. By taking the steps laid out by the folks at theporntalk.com, approaching your child about the dangers of porn actually begins a new pathway of intimacy that meets the deeper needs of their heart for a lifetime. Start spreading a new language by taking the first step. Take a look at the Porn with Benefits page for more on how intimacy is stunted by porn.

Some Intimacy Approaches to Talking about Porn with Your Kid:

Big Picture Intimacy: When you talk to your child about concerns like porn, keep in mind this is about intimacy (connection) with your child not about right and wrong.

Be Willing to Take a Perceived Risk: You will need to make the first move. The best hope in preventing your kid from spiraling down the porn vortex is your willingness to talk about the things left unsaid.

Casual Not Clinical: This talk is not an interrogation or analysis of your child.

Intimacy Involves Further Interaction: My dad used to say, “If you ever want to drink come find me first and I will drink with you.” Sounds great. But when the possibility came up, he was not the first one I wanted to run to ask, “Should it be Bud or Miller?” The issue here is not that my father did not have good intentions or concern for me – he did. But rather there is a need to talk to your child about what they are facing and the need to understand the pros and cons of the issue. The issue of porn did come up between my father and me when I was in eighth grade. A man in his thirties that worked at a local museum that I volunteered at on Saturdays asked me about porn one day (not sure of his intentions). But he told me that I should confidently go ask my dad if he will buy me some porn. So I did! I received a swift answer of “No!” Understandable answer. I probably would have answered similarly. But there was no interaction beyond “No!” Or should I say there was no further intimacy on this subject between my father and I. Therein lies the problem for many of us as parents on this subject of sex or porn or things left unsaid. We can’t let our panic or fear sideline us from talking about the aspects of porn beyond right and wrong and allowing a continuous dialogue throughout their growing up years to help build intimacy within our child.

Insure the Intimacy Bond With Your Kid: Talk with someone about your talk. Let out some of your fear and nerves on someone else - not your kid.