How Detailed Should I Be with My Kid about Porn?

Often times the question of how detailed do I get about porn with my kids has some underlying fears attached to them.

One common fear centers on exposing the child to something that may make them too curious. First, kids are naturally curious, it’s wired into them. In regards to how a child develops and grows there is an innate ability that God has designed that a child will naturally ask about or experiment on their own. Second, the possibility that sex and porn are going to present themselves to your child at some point in the next ten years is highly probable. Some of this is due to the culture we are in, however, a majority is due to your child being created by God as a sexual being. He or she is going to naturally want to know about the things encountered, felt, or heard about and around sexuality. In my case, it wasn’t curiosity that killed the kid; it was fear … my parents fear. One day in fifth grade I got called a “blow job” by a kid at school. I didn’t know what that was. I came home, sat down on the couch (my dad’s reading the paper, my mom’s watching TV), and I said, “Hey Mom, Dad. What’s a blow job?” Mom shot up off the couch, ran out of the room screaming, laughing, crying all in the same breath. Dad never moved. And I’m going, “Oh, no. I’ve done it now.” A few moments later Dad peers over the paper a little bit, and says, “Son, we don’t talk like that around here.” And that was it. Unfortunately that was my sex ed. Was I curious after that? You bet! The child’s natural ability to be curious and want to know more is not something that we can avoid. Instead, we must meet them where they are at. The combination of meeting our child’s natural curiosity and the urgency of intervening in our kid’s lives by talking to them about porn leaves us with very little option to ignore the issue or hope they will be okay. Encourage your heart to trust that if they have the good information (dangers of porn, benefits of true intimacy) and the ability to know that that info is accessible (our willingness as parents to broach the subject long-term) you are setting the stage for them to be able to discern what is safe and beneficial to their hearts as they encounter porn and other dangers down the road of life.

Another common fear centers on the concern that the child may ask further questions, especially detailed questions about the subject of porn or sex. A couple of weeks after my sex ed encounter with my parents concerning the ‘blow job’ incident, my mom was driving me in the car and she was looking straight ahead and she said, “Did your dad talk to you about that thing you asked about the other day?” Taking a vague guess about what she was asking about, I answered, “No.” So she proceeds to give me the technical aspects of oral sex the whole time nervously grabbing the steering wheel, staring straight ahead, and hoping I didn’t have any questions. That was it. As a kid I had a lot of questions. Questions that would scare any parent. It’s not the easiest subject to talk about. Questions are a normal part of learning. Simple Guideline: answer to the best of your ability any question that your child asks.

If your child is between the ages of five and eight, the answers can center upon love and relationship and appropriateness regarding nakedness. Between the ages of eight and ten, you may need to discuss basic sexual education with an emphasis on love and relationship in marriage. Never ignore or skip their questions. If you don’t know or you are panicking inside, ask them if you can get back to them on that question and then make sure you do. For pre-teens and teens ages ten to fifteen, focus on the benefits of porn in the immediate versus long-term consequences to their lives and hearts.

Below is an example of talking to your child about porn with an emphasis on the concern around details and questions:

1. Begin by expressing to your child your thankfulness for their trust and openness with questions they have had in the past about anything they have encountered.
2. Ask them if you could talk with them about something that helps them to protect their hearts and minds. Let them know at this point that they are not in trouble.
3. Ask the basic question, “Have you ever seen or been shown a picture of a naked person before?” You may be surprised at the answers – but usually it may be that they saw something on TV innocuously or as my daughter once said remembering some nude paintings at a museum we attended as a family. Be careful not to panic here. I know it feels like a loaded question and you may get an answer that exposure to porn has occurred. Stay connected to your child. Remember the goal is to connect with them and to earn their trust around these issues.
4. Explain that there are books, magazines, internet sites, and movies that focus on people being nude more than being clothed. If you have begun discussing sexual education with your child by this point in their development you could add an explanation about sexual intimacy and pleasure. Ask if they have any questions about this concept of porn.
5. You will probably get the question, “Why?” If you haven’t begun the sexual education process, be prepared to give a basic mini-discussion and then make plans for further discussions. To answer the “Why?” focus on the fact that people use porn to feel better about themselves and to find connection. Then explain this is a lie that porn tells people. Discuss that nakedness is not something to be ashamed about, however, it is reserved for the confines marriage or situations like changing clothes in a locker room where it’s understood that this is appropriate. You may want to use your own story here in how you and your spouse only share your nakedness with one another in private and with no one else or if you are a single parent how your nakedness is reserved for God or a future spouse. You could also use the illustration of personal boundary space and appropriate touch by others – this holds true with nakedness or nudity.
6. Express your thankfulness for your child’s openness and willingness to talk with you about this subject. Offer to answer any further questions that may come up for them.
7. Prepare your heart for further connection around this issue by not checking this off as a finished objective but as good beginning of a journey with your child.